Boundaries, Heart Check, Recovery, Warning Signs

BOUNDARIES START HERE

THREE STRIKES YOU’RE OUT 
Applying healthy boundaries is easy in theory, but that’s rarely the case in practice. As an empath, the Heart Check is something I do to remind myself when I should say “no” to a person or situation. Sometimes that means walking away from a relationship or situation completely–and that is just good self-care.”

When I’m evaluating when I should apply a boundary and say “no” to a person or situation I follow three simple steps. A Three Strikes You’re Out, approach to access how I feel about a situation and where I stand with my peace. If the situation fails the Heart Check then it’s time to be firm in my decision and stand.

Respect

This simple word means so much, doesn’t it? We can tell a lot about a person or situation if respect is involved. How do you know you are being respected? What does respect look like and feel like?

Here are a few self check questions you can ask to decide for yourself:

  • Does this person/situation value my opinion or feelings?
  • Have they demonstrated they care about my thoughts, feelings or POV before?
  • Do they speak kindly and use words that lift me up and not tear me down as a person?
  • Do they refrain from pressuring me into a rash decision?
  • Do they always get their way and care little for the consequences their actions mean for me?

Reciprocation

This means that they give you what you give them in return. Not every relationship or situation is always a 50/50 split, but it’s important that you are not always being the person compromising and giving your all.

  • Take weight of your relationship. Are you the giver and they the taker? Or does it feel equally weighted?
  • Are you tired and emotionally/physically exhausted from constantly giving your all and getting little in return?
  • Is this a friendship, partnership, or low value relationship? How much of your energy does this person/situation need or deserve from your other life demands?

Pattern of Behavior

Time is a great testament to how valuable your relationships are. Actions speak much louder than words ever could. Over time if your relationship falls more into the negative side, you know it’s time to apply some boundaries. Positive patterns bring peace, make us feel validated, valued and respected. Commitments and promises are made with full intention to be fulfilled.

Here are several questions you can apply to determine if you are in positive or negative pattern of behavior:

  • Does the person make promises they never keep?
  • Are you baited with a commitment then presented with something different?
  • How honest are they with you?
  • Do you trust them?
  • Do they often let you down?
  • Are you there for them in a pinch, but they barely show up?
  • Do they use language of affirmation or hurt?
  • Are they manipulative, controlling or demanding?
  • How does the relationship make you feel?
  • Is there a lot of tension and drama in the relationship?
  • Is it easy or hard to continue to have a relationship with this person?
  • What value does this relationship bring my life? Is it worth my investment?
  • Is this person a project I’m trying to fix? It’s not my job to fix people, and I don’t need or want another person to caretake that is unhealthy and drains me.
Cheating, Evil, Fuel Supply, Lovebombing, Toxic Behaviors, Warning Signs

STUDYING A NARC

CHRIS WATTS WAS COVERT & CORRUPT
As the details come out about the secret life of a man who murdered his wife, unborn child and two toddler daughters-the more we see the pattern of a life that was rife with corruption, lies, and dark secrets. Studying the worst narcissist breed can teach us many lessons.”

Using Light to Live in the Shadows

Chris Watts is a man who was living his life in the dark shadows. An extreme narcissist, he used his marriage to a kind and beautiful woman to hide the dark second life he was living behind her back. He used his marriage to hide random hookups with women he met on Tinder, where he had “rough sex” and shared secret “rape fantasies” with one-night stands. One woman who came forward told police he had been so rough with her, she refused to ever see him again. He also used his marriage to hide the gay sexual relationships he was having with a male escort for nearly a year. He smeared his wife to family and friends, lied to targets about the reality of his life to gain their sympathy and make them feel sorry for him. At every turn, this narcissist made himself look like and seem like the vicitm-when the the reality couldn’t be further from the truth.

How does one person weave such a web of lies? It’s not as complicated as you may think once you understand how a narcissist functions, operates and their tactics. Rule number 1 for any narcissist is to NEVER GET CAUGHT.  Every tactic they take is to avoid discovery at every cost.

A Primary Supply Source as Cover
A narcissist is about the fake facade. They want you to see them as one way, when they are actually a different person behind closed doors. Often narcissists choose smart, kind, beautiful/handsome unknowing spouses so they can use their marriages as a way to hide their covert activities. If a narcissist is married to a great person, they couldn’t/wouldn’t possibly be cheating or lead a double life. Why would they?

Sneaky Apps to Cover Up Tracks
Police found nude photos of Chris Watts’ new mistress Nicole Kessinger in a secret app on his phone called Secret Calculator. This app is meant to look like a calculator, but hides a vault of secret photos and videos behind a fake front door (porn, lovers, etc.). Narcissists LOVE souvenirs of their prey. They take mental fuel supply from reliving their conquests or their sneakiness. If they took the photos or videos without permission, even better! You can bet a narcissist is not only cheating, but the incriminating evidence isn’t very far from their phone.

Here are a few other apps cheaters love to use:
https://www.datingadvice.com/online-dating/apps-for-cheaters
https://www.yourtango.com/2017306520/best-apps-have-affair-not-we-encourage-ithttps://www.laptopmag.com/articles/best-apps-for-cheaters
https://www.thetalko.com/12-cheating-apps-you-dont-want-to-find-on-his-phone/

He Gathered Blackmail Material to Devalue His Targets
Chris Watts was taking nude photos of his lovers. Why? The answer is simple. When he gets bored with his new target and decides to devalue them and discard them, he has plenty of juicy blackmail material to threaten his victims with. He might use this lovely information to extort money from someone, accidentally post nude photos of them at work, or send pictures to their child’s school. For a narcissist, no evil is ever out of bounds. The intel is assurance the narcissist can do with the victim whatever he feels like doing without threat of getting caught or being sold out. A person being threatened would never dare to tell his wife the truth. It’s a safety net the narcissist will never get caught.

He Smeared his Wife
Why does a narcissist smear the person he’s in a committed relationship? It’s about power. It’s also about careful power shifting and positioning. If the narcissist can make people believe the kind and good natured person he is married to is a monster in disguise-he knows who in their circle are easily manipulated and will believe anything he says. It’s a way to recruit the flying monkeys.

It’s also a tactic to keep the victimized spouse/partner trapped in the abusive relationship. If the victim tries to tell anyone of these cronies about their experience, the gullible monkey will send her back to her situation without ever asking for the truth or facts of the situation (because the narcissist has already sold his fake version of the truth and they already believed it).

People who are ripe for cronie-hood are family members you had a falling out with, former friends, jealous coworkers, or even friends who are envious of your life. A clever narc will have monkeys in every social and friend circle the victim is in. Essentially surrounding them with saboteurs and people trying to derail and harm the victim.

He Was an Expert at Playing the Victim
We saw in our Facebook post today how Chris Watts used clever lies to to frame his wife as an abuser when she was the victim! He told his parents she was abusive, told lovers he was in a loveless marriage. . .all clever lies to make the targets feel sorry for or empathize with the narcissist.

He Used Future Faking to Lure New Targets
Chris Watts used big dreams about his future with his new mistress. He talked about starting a life with her, “starting over”, and being truly happy. He sold her lies about a new home (when his current home was behind on payments) and living a lavish life of travel and leisure (when he was in severe debt). His lies worked so well, his mistress was Googling wedding dresses after only dating Chris for a few months (and she had no idea he had gay lovers or was meeting randoms for hookups on Tinder).

The Red Flags

  1. RUN IF HE TALKS MARRIAGE FAST
    Be wary of potential suitors that push for commitment too soon or mention marriage unusually fast in the relationship.
  2. TRUST IS EARNED
    Ask a lot of questions about a suitor’s past, present and future. Ask them about former relationships, then investigate and do your own homework.
  3. DO A BACKGROUND CHECK
    You can purchase applications that run reports on residences, former spouses, and even criminal activity. Do your homework and protect yourself.
  4. DO NOT RANDOMLY HAVE SEX WITH STRANGERS
    It sounds simple, but in today’s random hookup world of Tinder, Bumble, Match, Plenty of Fish, etc. there are plenty of narcissists in disguise picking their victims like they are eating from a menu at the flesh buffet. Many of these narcissists are not “well” when it comes to sex. They are dark, sadistic lovers who use pain to shame and abuse one-night lovers. They also care little about protection or spreading the STD they are likely carrying.
  5. IF IT’S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT IS
    If you are given expensive gifts, fancy trips, and lavish luxuries early in your relationship-these gifts are not free! A narcissist NEVER gives anything without repayment. If it feels too good to be true, it is. There are NO PRINCE CHARMINGS in the world and fairytales are fake. If he is working too hard to be your knight in shining armour-run!
  6. STOP LOOKING FOR VALIDATION FROM OTHERS
    A narcissist can read you like a book. If you love being complimented or seek approval from others, a discerning narc will know you will make a great new target. If you are confident of who you are in your own right, a narcissist will want nothing to do with you. A narcissist can’t stand confidence or anyone who has the ability to stand up for themselves and tell them off.
  7. IF SOMETHING FEELS OFF, IT IS
    If you’re gut is telling you something smells fishy, it most definitely is. You need to trust that instinct and investigate the truth or feeling enough to have the courage to walk away from a toxic and abusive person.
Dating, Evil, Love, Lovebombing, Manipulation, Red Flags, Warning Signs

THE GREAT CON

THE LOVE TRAP
Narcissists are great actors. They pretend to feel and experience love all the ways you do. Once you give your heart to a narcissist, they believe you are giving them absolute permission to do with it whatever they like. “

Empaths are uniquely wired and believe the entire world thinks, acts, and believes in the basic rules of fairness and morality. The reality is, there are evil people in this world who seek to destroy and disrupt all of this. Narcissists prey on kind hearted and genuine people to use and destroy. They use love as weapon to inflict pain and it’s one of their best games.

You Feel Everything
The Narcissist Feels Nothing

An empath is a truly real and honest person. We wear our hearts on our sleeves. We care for everyone, want everyone to be happy and to feel loved. What we feel is real, true and authentic. The idea of “faking” how we feel about something or someone is counterintuitive to our natures. We are healers, teachers, mothers, nurses, minsters, and caregivers. When we love, we love deeply and for a lifetime.

A narcissist does not feel the same way an empath does. Narcissists view feeling anything as weak. They smell your “feelings” a mile away. It’s a stench of weakness they follow like wolves hunting prey. They believe allowing your emotions to rule your mind or thoughts is infantile and shows a lack of their intelligence and control. A narcissist is ruler over emotion and would never let love get in the way of their sick joy ride, but they know how to fake love to get you to fall for them.

How They Do It

A narcissist knows once he has you in his clutches and has checked all the boxes to make you fall in love with him-you are ripe for whatever he has in store next. They apply one or all the tactics to lure you into the love trap.

Lovebombing
A narcissist will make you feel like you hang the moon. They will swoon you, woo you, and make you feel you walk on water. They will ooze charm and compliment you on everything. They will tell you constantly how much they adore you, are attracted to you, how much they want you and how you are perfect for them. They will make you believe they are “the one” and will do anything to convince you. During this stage of the relationship NOTHING is too much. Expensive gifts, lavish trips, you can have anything your heart desires. . .but it comes with a price.

Future Faking
A narcissist is perfect at telling you exactly what you want to hear. If your dream is to be married and have a big house full of children, the narcissist will tell you how he is looking at a home to build a future for you. He will carefully seed thoughts in your mind about marriage and having a family. He will tell you it’s his only wish and you are his dream come true to share it with. This is all a lie to get you to fall more deeply into their trap of deception.

Mimicry
This is a sneaky tactic a narcissist uses to make you think you are “made for each other.” Narcissists carefully study their victims. They use social media and other outlets to research you, learn about your friends, your family, hobbies and things that make you happy. They take this intel and feed it back to you, pretending to share your same interests and dreams.If you posted last year you love skiing in Aspen, the narcissist will be an avid ski fan and pepper your conversations about how beautiful Colorado is in winter with fresh powder. The narcissist wants you to believe you are one in the same. That you reflect him, but the narcissist is just a clever spy who studied your life to mimic and feedback to you the things you care about.

“Trust Me. I’m different.” False Bonding/Trust
A narcissist will use all the techniques above to create a false bond with you-fast! This is one of their greatest cons. The narcissist wants you to feel safe and will tell you whatever you need to hear to believe he is an exceptional person of the most upstanding character. They will tell you they are “old fashioned” and value monogamous relationships, when they are misogynistic and highly abusive. They will tell you they are Christian, when they use scripture to break women of faith. They will tell you they have never online dated, when they have multiple accounts on numerous dating and porn sites.

The narcissist is one of the most dangerous people to extend trust before it’s been earned. If you let your guard down quickly and feel a false sense of trust, the narc knows he has you. You are putty in his hands and your boundaries are about to be tested and retested to the breaking point.

Good Deeds Tally Sheet
The narcissist will go to great lengths to proof his superhero love for you. He will help a sick friend of yours. Do favors without asking anything in return and will seem like a kind and thoughtful person to the unsuspecting eye. Secretly, the narcissist is keeping score. Every kind thing he does now, he will expect to be repaid later. No good deed ever goes unpaid-ever!

Irresistible Attraction
Narcissists are generally great lovers and it’s because they have had a lot of practice with their craft. They know exactly how to seduce, entice and entrap to make sex feel like the spiciest romance novel. They want you to be addicted. The sex so great and so wonderful you are just completely snowed over so you will do anything, anywhere with them. Be warned this is giant trap.

Pushing You Away
They will triangulate you with their work, friends, other lovers and do whatever it takes for you to prove how much you want them or need them. They want you to compete for their time and attention.

Empath Exhaustion, Healing, Warning Signs

EMPATH EXHAUSTION

RECOGNIZING WHEN YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH
Narcissists are vampires who suck everything out of a person emotionally, physically and mentally. The constant crazy-making, love/hate, devaluation, Hoover rollercoaster ride in living with them is enough to make the most sane person feel like their life is spiraling out of control. This is the first time I’ve written about Empath Exhaustion, but I believe it is a true symptom and sign before we reach full blown post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This is when you are so worn down, so fatigued and exhausted it’s hard to function or even get out of bed in the morning. I believe these are serious warning signs to all the stress the narcissist is placing on your life.”

You Stop Caring About Your Appearance
This is a big red flag that you the narc is keeping you so busy jumping through hoops you miss hair cuts, dental appointments and even important doctor’s appointments. You may have even noticed the narc picks on you more the days he/she knows you have one of these appointments scheduled! You stop buying nice clothing for yourself and settle into your favorite sweat pants and t-shirt you’ve worn for the last month. If your narc is overly jealous, if you are attractive–this is a way to make you feel ugly and project how the narc sees himself/herself. When you stop showering and basic daily care of yourself, it’s a big clue something isn’t right.

You Further Isolate Yourself from Friends/Family
If you are not taking care of yourself, falling into a deeper depression and isolation is sure to follow. It’s just another way you are starting to fall into the trap the narcissist is setting for you. By wearing you down, making you feel hopeless–he/she can exert total control and influence over you in complete confidence you are not going to tell a soul about the torment you are going through at home.

You Sleep But Never Rest
In my experience, I felt extreme fatigue for years. I often tell my closest friends, I feel I was sleepwalking through the last decade! When I would sleep, I never rested. I had nightmares, toss/turned, and the man sleeping next to me made me feel unsafe and insecure when I was most vulnerable sleeping. I would wake up the next morning as tired as I was when I laid down the night before.

You Lack a Proper Appetite or Eat Uncontrollably
If you are a person who never gained weight and now can’t stop eating or can’t eat at all, it’s a warning sign you are eating your emotions. If your regular eating habits have veered way off from your norms, it is a warning sign to check your emotional and physical health.

You are Sick More than Ever Before
Extreme stress can wear down our body’s ability to fight viruses. If you find you are sick more than you have ever been and struggle to fight a common cold, it’s a big clue your body is under extreme stress and your immune system is suffering.

Your Body Aches
I remember my body aching like I had been hit by a car! I ached nearly all the time. My bones, joints, arms, jaw, even my toes hurt. I realized it was just another way stress was expressing itself through my body.

You Have Migraines
I had more migraine headaches during my marriage to the narcissist than I had in my entire life. There was no specific pattern, but there were most prevalent during the devaluation and Hoover periods of our marriage.

You Constantly Question Your Thoughts/Decisions
I found myself constantly trying to outguess outcomes for decisions. If I did this, how would the narc respond? What would he want or think? If I guessed right, I believed it would avoid a lecture, outburst or argument at home. No matter what I tried to out guess, it was never right and usually ended in disappointment anyway. The reality is we can’t outguess the narc, because they reserve the right to say/do whatever they like to extract precious fuel from us. It’s a sick and twisted game they like to play with us to make us feel crazy.

You’re Unusually Irritable
While I was tired, my body ached, I was hungry, and feeling sick all the time–I was much more irritable with the narc. The narc LOVED telling people how big of a bitch I was becoming. “You see her. See that? That’s what it’s like living with her now. She is always yelling and angry at everyone.” In reality I was emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted and playing right in to the narc’s intentions all along. . .to make me look like horrible and him look like the victim.

You Stop Trying to Communicated with the Narc and Completely Comply and Give-In (Because it’s Easier)
When I was at my breaking point, I found it was just easier to give the narc what he wanted. The thought of this makes me completely sick today, but at the time, I lacked the energy to fight him anymore. This is EXACTLY what the narc wants to happen. To wear us completely down to a shell so they can exert total control over us.

You’re Experiencing Weight Extremes
In 20 years, I went from wafer thin to heavy, starving myself to binge eating chocolate. I tried to maintain a healthy weight, but no matter what my size (I’m vary between a size 8-10) the narc always attacked my weight. I would be down to a size 6 and he’d comment how he’d never seen me so heavy or up to a size 10 and he’d tell me he liked my bigger boobs, but hated how large my rear had become. He once told me I had a double chin when I was a size 8! I was never the right size or shape no matter what diet, exercise or eating habit I was adopting at the time.

You Never Recharge
This is a big one for us empaths. We are wired to be caretakers and it’s so easy for us to fall into the trap of caring for everybody but ourselves. If you are still with a narcissist, it is more important than ever to take time away, establish healthy boundaries, and recharge. We are good people, but we aren’t made to be superhero do-gooders. Nobody has the stamina for it 24/7.

The Narc Suggests You Need Medication for your Mental State
*NOTE: If you are person who had mental illness prior to being in a relationship with the narc, the following statement will not apply to you and you should continue taking your medication as prescribed by your physician.*

If you are someone who NEVER had a mental illness, depression, anger issues, etc. before meeting the narcissist–you need to know this is a serious trap and pitfall set up by the narc to gain further compliance and control of you. I highly recommend caution in taking medication for any “new” mental health symptoms until you speak with a licensed therapist about narcissistic abuse.

What You Can Do
If you fall into any or many of the warning signs described above, it’s time to take steps to heal an get well again.

Recognize the Warning Signs
By simply reading this post, you are becoming more aware of your mental, physical and emotional health needs. Continue researching topics like: empath fatigue and narcissistic abuse topics online. Begin journaling online (penzu.com) to document what you are experiencing and how your stress is impacted by your interactions with the narc.

Seek Help from our Life Coach or Therapist with Experience in Narcissistic Abuse
Reach out to a licensed therapist who has experience working with victims of narcissistic abuse in clinic. DO NOT engage with the narc in therapy together. He/she will apply every tactic in the book to charm and convince the therapist you are in-fact crazy and need help/medication. Know the narcissist will not change. If you seek a professional, go with the intent to heal yourself NOT the narc.

Release the Narcissistic Vampire in Your Life
Some of us empaths choose to stay with the narc even after therapy. We believe if the narc can’t change, then it’s up to us to save the marriage or relationship. Some of you may believe you can’t live or function without the narc (which you’ve been conditioned to believe BTW). At the end of the day, the stress you are experiencing that is causing your Empath Exhaustion will not change as long as you remain with a toxic person. Things may get better for a while, but there will be no long-term change because living with a narcissist is a complete death of self.

Dating, Red Flags, Warning Signs

DATING RED FLAGS

KNOW THE SIGNS
As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, I’ve made it my personal mission to educate others. Is someone in your circle misreading a relationship because they are being blinded by the lovebombing stage of a potential abuser?”

1) PUSH FOR COMMITMENT TOO SOON
The new boyfriend/girlfriend pushes your friend into a serious/committed relationship very fast. In some cases discussing marriage in months or weeks of just meeting and dating. It’s not uncommon for victims to marry the narcissist in as little as three months or less! This is because the narc has plans to manipulate and abuse your friend horribly in the “devaluation” stage, only your friend is now caught in a trap he/she can’t escape.

2) OOZING CHARM: “THE CHARM PARADE”
The new boyfriend/girlfriend is over the top charming and tries to win over every other friend in your circle and/or family members. Look for cues in your conversations. Do you notice the new flame immediately switching his/her view in a conversation to “match” yours. Are they trying too hard to fit-in or impress? These are signs the person your friend is dating is trying to be someone they’re not. A great way to get to the bottom of if a person is a narcissist is to ask him/her what they are doing to improve him/herself in life and how they are changing as person to be a better person. If they answer “that’s silly, they don’t need to change” be on high alert. Narcissists believe they are superior and there is no need for them to change, because the world just revolves around them and they command it’s turning.

3) MOVING WAY TOO FAST
The new flame is moving in with your friend way too soon into their relationship. This is because the narc want’s your friend under his/her constant supervision. If they are living under the same roof, your friend can be studied, the narc can start snooping through their bank statements, bills, computer, etc. when they’re not there. And soon the narc fills his/her treasure chest, the narc has lots of blackmail material to hold your friend hostage as long as they decide to play with them. Remember, taking victims is about narcissistic supply. Your friend is nothing more to the narc than a play thing. A rubber ball the narc can bounce around from game to game.

4) WATCH FOR INSULTS
Narcs aren’t great at keeping secrets for long. Pretending to be a nice person often is short lived. If you suspect your friend is with an abuser, watch for the new flame’s reaction when your friend disagrees with the narc. If your friend express and alternate opinion, the narc will see that as a direct insult and shot at his/her pride. He/she will either snap back with a hurtful comment, or make an over the top statement about how wrong your friend is until your friend caves and adopts the narc’s POV.

5) CONSTANTLY SPENDING TIME WITH THE NARC
If you’re friend is dating a narcissist, you will see your friend less and less to the point you will question if you are even still close. That’s because narcissists are total vampires. They aren’t just satisfied taking your friend’s emotional stamina, they want to fully immerse them in the hell they are creating for them. Isolating your friend from you means your friend is without outside opinion and can’t confide in others. It also leaves the narc free to abuse, devalue, rage and harm your friend without suspecting eyes or friends questioning the relationship or encouraging your friend to escape.

6) OVER-THE-TOP GIFT GIVING
If your friend’s new flame is buying lavish gifts (think diamonds or expensive trips in the first month of dating), this is a giant red flag. Narcs are big gifters early into the relationship. Generally the victim gets a taste something just isn’t right with the relationship. When the target starts to suspect something is up and lovebombing isn’t working, the narc will start to use gifts to blind them. This causes the victim to question if the narc is such a bad person. After all if they bought such an expensive gift they must genuinely care, right? Wrong.

7) NARCS OVERSTATE HOW “NICE” THEY ARE
Narcissists are not kind people. They genuinely feel NOTHING for the sadness, suffering or pain of others. In fact, they feed off it and lavish pulling strings with people to make them depressed, sad and helpless. If your friend is dating someone who goes way out of their way to tell you how great of a person they are, over and over again. . .watch it! Narcs will spout volunteerism, how great they are with their kids’ PTO, etc. to convince you they are good people, great parents, etc. In reality, it’s all just an elaborate act to convince you and others they are nice in public, so they can be monsters behind closed doors. If you’re gut is telling you something doesn’t add up, trust it and keep an eye on it.

8) WATCH FOR SIGNS OF ABUSE
If the relationship continues for a number of months, watch for signs of abuse. If your friend starts showing new bruises with crazy excuses to cover for them. If your friend starts acting more shy/timid around you and your circle of friends. If they start acting depressed and further isolate themselves, lean in, don’t let them push you further away. Narcissists are horrible abusers. They go from kind to a living hell in the blink of an eye. Your friend could be in a relationship with someone that is abusing them emotionally, physically, sexually and even financially. Watch for the signs and report anything that is usual if you need to in order to save/protect your friend.