Cheating, Evil, Fuel Supply, Lovebombing, Toxic Behaviors, Warning Signs

STUDYING A NARC

CHRIS WATTS WAS COVERT & CORRUPT
As the details come out about the secret life of a man who murdered his wife, unborn child and two toddler daughters-the more we see the pattern of a life that was rife with corruption, lies, and dark secrets. Studying the worst narcissist breed can teach us many lessons.”

Using Light to Live in the Shadows

Chris Watts is a man who was living his life in the dark shadows. An extreme narcissist, he used his marriage to a kind and beautiful woman to hide the dark second life he was living behind her back. He used his marriage to hide random hookups with women he met on Tinder, where he had “rough sex” and shared secret “rape fantasies” with one-night stands. One woman who came forward told police he had been so rough with her, she refused to ever see him again. He also used his marriage to hide the gay sexual relationships he was having with a male escort for nearly a year. He smeared his wife to family and friends, lied to targets about the reality of his life to gain their sympathy and make them feel sorry for him. At every turn, this narcissist made himself look like and seem like the vicitm-when the the reality couldn’t be further from the truth.

How does one person weave such a web of lies? It’s not as complicated as you may think once you understand how a narcissist functions, operates and their tactics. Rule number 1 for any narcissist is to NEVER GET CAUGHT.  Every tactic they take is to avoid discovery at every cost.

A Primary Supply Source as Cover
A narcissist is about the fake facade. They want you to see them as one way, when they are actually a different person behind closed doors. Often narcissists choose smart, kind, beautiful/handsome unknowing spouses so they can use their marriages as a way to hide their covert activities. If a narcissist is married to a great person, they couldn’t/wouldn’t possibly be cheating or lead a double life. Why would they?

Sneaky Apps to Cover Up Tracks
Police found nude photos of Chris Watts’ new mistress Nicole Kessinger in a secret app on his phone called Secret Calculator. This app is meant to look like a calculator, but hides a vault of secret photos and videos behind a fake front door (porn, lovers, etc.). Narcissists LOVE souvenirs of their prey. They take mental fuel supply from reliving their conquests or their sneakiness. If they took the photos or videos without permission, even better! You can bet a narcissist is not only cheating, but the incriminating evidence isn’t very far from their phone.

Here are a few other apps cheaters love to use:
https://www.datingadvice.com/online-dating/apps-for-cheaters
https://www.yourtango.com/2017306520/best-apps-have-affair-not-we-encourage-ithttps://www.laptopmag.com/articles/best-apps-for-cheaters
https://www.thetalko.com/12-cheating-apps-you-dont-want-to-find-on-his-phone/

He Gathered Blackmail Material to Devalue His Targets
Chris Watts was taking nude photos of his lovers. Why? The answer is simple. When he gets bored with his new target and decides to devalue them and discard them, he has plenty of juicy blackmail material to threaten his victims with. He might use this lovely information to extort money from someone, accidentally post nude photos of them at work, or send pictures to their child’s school. For a narcissist, no evil is ever out of bounds. The intel is assurance the narcissist can do with the victim whatever he feels like doing without threat of getting caught or being sold out. A person being threatened would never dare to tell his wife the truth. It’s a safety net the narcissist will never get caught.

He Smeared his Wife
Why does a narcissist smear the person he’s in a committed relationship? It’s about power. It’s also about careful power shifting and positioning. If the narcissist can make people believe the kind and good natured person he is married to is a monster in disguise-he knows who in their circle are easily manipulated and will believe anything he says. It’s a way to recruit the flying monkeys.

It’s also a tactic to keep the victimized spouse/partner trapped in the abusive relationship. If the victim tries to tell anyone of these cronies about their experience, the gullible monkey will send her back to her situation without ever asking for the truth or facts of the situation (because the narcissist has already sold his fake version of the truth and they already believed it).

People who are ripe for cronie-hood are family members you had a falling out with, former friends, jealous coworkers, or even friends who are envious of your life. A clever narc will have monkeys in every social and friend circle the victim is in. Essentially surrounding them with saboteurs and people trying to derail and harm the victim.

He Was an Expert at Playing the Victim
We saw in our Facebook post today how Chris Watts used clever lies to to frame his wife as an abuser when she was the victim! He told his parents she was abusive, told lovers he was in a loveless marriage. . .all clever lies to make the targets feel sorry for or empathize with the narcissist.

He Used Future Faking to Lure New Targets
Chris Watts used big dreams about his future with his new mistress. He talked about starting a life with her, “starting over”, and being truly happy. He sold her lies about a new home (when his current home was behind on payments) and living a lavish life of travel and leisure (when he was in severe debt). His lies worked so well, his mistress was Googling wedding dresses after only dating Chris for a few months (and she had no idea he had gay lovers or was meeting randoms for hookups on Tinder).

The Red Flags

  1. RUN IF HE TALKS MARRIAGE FAST
    Be wary of potential suitors that push for commitment too soon or mention marriage unusually fast in the relationship.
  2. TRUST IS EARNED
    Ask a lot of questions about a suitor’s past, present and future. Ask them about former relationships, then investigate and do your own homework.
  3. DO A BACKGROUND CHECK
    You can purchase applications that run reports on residences, former spouses, and even criminal activity. Do your homework and protect yourself.
  4. DO NOT RANDOMLY HAVE SEX WITH STRANGERS
    It sounds simple, but in today’s random hookup world of Tinder, Bumble, Match, Plenty of Fish, etc. there are plenty of narcissists in disguise picking their victims like they are eating from a menu at the flesh buffet. Many of these narcissists are not “well” when it comes to sex. They are dark, sadistic lovers who use pain to shame and abuse one-night lovers. They also care little about protection or spreading the STD they are likely carrying.
  5. IF IT’S TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT IS
    If you are given expensive gifts, fancy trips, and lavish luxuries early in your relationship-these gifts are not free! A narcissist NEVER gives anything without repayment. If it feels too good to be true, it is. There are NO PRINCE CHARMINGS in the world and fairytales are fake. If he is working too hard to be your knight in shining armour-run!
  6. STOP LOOKING FOR VALIDATION FROM OTHERS
    A narcissist can read you like a book. If you love being complimented or seek approval from others, a discerning narc will know you will make a great new target. If you are confident of who you are in your own right, a narcissist will want nothing to do with you. A narcissist can’t stand confidence or anyone who has the ability to stand up for themselves and tell them off.
  7. IF SOMETHING FEELS OFF, IT IS
    If you’re gut is telling you something smells fishy, it most definitely is. You need to trust that instinct and investigate the truth or feeling enough to have the courage to walk away from a toxic and abusive person.
Dating, Evil, Love, Lovebombing, Manipulation, Red Flags, Warning Signs

THE GREAT CON

THE LOVE TRAP
Narcissists are great actors. They pretend to feel and experience love all the ways you do. Once you give your heart to a narcissist, they believe you are giving them absolute permission to do with it whatever they like. “

Empaths are uniquely wired and believe the entire world thinks, acts, and believes in the basic rules of fairness and morality. The reality is, there are evil people in this world who seek to destroy and disrupt all of this. Narcissists prey on kind hearted and genuine people to use and destroy. They use love as weapon to inflict pain and it’s one of their best games.

You Feel Everything
The Narcissist Feels Nothing

An empath is a truly real and honest person. We wear our hearts on our sleeves. We care for everyone, want everyone to be happy and to feel loved. What we feel is real, true and authentic. The idea of “faking” how we feel about something or someone is counterintuitive to our natures. We are healers, teachers, mothers, nurses, minsters, and caregivers. When we love, we love deeply and for a lifetime.

A narcissist does not feel the same way an empath does. Narcissists view feeling anything as weak. They smell your “feelings” a mile away. It’s a stench of weakness they follow like wolves hunting prey. They believe allowing your emotions to rule your mind or thoughts is infantile and shows a lack of their intelligence and control. A narcissist is ruler over emotion and would never let love get in the way of their sick joy ride, but they know how to fake love to get you to fall for them.

How They Do It

A narcissist knows once he has you in his clutches and has checked all the boxes to make you fall in love with him-you are ripe for whatever he has in store next. They apply one or all the tactics to lure you into the love trap.

Lovebombing
A narcissist will make you feel like you hang the moon. They will swoon you, woo you, and make you feel you walk on water. They will ooze charm and compliment you on everything. They will tell you constantly how much they adore you, are attracted to you, how much they want you and how you are perfect for them. They will make you believe they are “the one” and will do anything to convince you. During this stage of the relationship NOTHING is too much. Expensive gifts, lavish trips, you can have anything your heart desires. . .but it comes with a price.

Future Faking
A narcissist is perfect at telling you exactly what you want to hear. If your dream is to be married and have a big house full of children, the narcissist will tell you how he is looking at a home to build a future for you. He will carefully seed thoughts in your mind about marriage and having a family. He will tell you it’s his only wish and you are his dream come true to share it with. This is all a lie to get you to fall more deeply into their trap of deception.

Mimicry
This is a sneaky tactic a narcissist uses to make you think you are “made for each other.” Narcissists carefully study their victims. They use social media and other outlets to research you, learn about your friends, your family, hobbies and things that make you happy. They take this intel and feed it back to you, pretending to share your same interests and dreams.If you posted last year you love skiing in Aspen, the narcissist will be an avid ski fan and pepper your conversations about how beautiful Colorado is in winter with fresh powder. The narcissist wants you to believe you are one in the same. That you reflect him, but the narcissist is just a clever spy who studied your life to mimic and feedback to you the things you care about.

“Trust Me. I’m different.” False Bonding/Trust
A narcissist will use all the techniques above to create a false bond with you-fast! This is one of their greatest cons. The narcissist wants you to feel safe and will tell you whatever you need to hear to believe he is an exceptional person of the most upstanding character. They will tell you they are “old fashioned” and value monogamous relationships, when they are misogynistic and highly abusive. They will tell you they are Christian, when they use scripture to break women of faith. They will tell you they have never online dated, when they have multiple accounts on numerous dating and porn sites.

The narcissist is one of the most dangerous people to extend trust before it’s been earned. If you let your guard down quickly and feel a false sense of trust, the narc knows he has you. You are putty in his hands and your boundaries are about to be tested and retested to the breaking point.

Good Deeds Tally Sheet
The narcissist will go to great lengths to proof his superhero love for you. He will help a sick friend of yours. Do favors without asking anything in return and will seem like a kind and thoughtful person to the unsuspecting eye. Secretly, the narcissist is keeping score. Every kind thing he does now, he will expect to be repaid later. No good deed ever goes unpaid-ever!

Irresistible Attraction
Narcissists are generally great lovers and it’s because they have had a lot of practice with their craft. They know exactly how to seduce, entice and entrap to make sex feel like the spiciest romance novel. They want you to be addicted. The sex so great and so wonderful you are just completely snowed over so you will do anything, anywhere with them. Be warned this is giant trap.

Pushing You Away
They will triangulate you with their work, friends, other lovers and do whatever it takes for you to prove how much you want them or need them. They want you to compete for their time and attention.

Hoovering, Leaving, Lovebombing, Survivor

MY SURVIVOR STORY

I’VE WALKED 20 YEARS IN YOUR SHOES
I spent the majority of my young adult life married to grand elite narcissist. He was very charming and seemed to know everything about me. We met when I was 18 and I married him when I was barely 20, because I believed I met my prince charming. Soon the fairytale became my nightmare. For nearly two decades, photos of us together looked forced. A fake smile to hide the evil Jekyll and Hyde person I felt chained to.

The emotional, financial, physical, and other forms of abuse was intense and unrelenting. Giving up a successful career to care for a child with Autism, he had me where he wanted me. Stuck in a circa-1950’s completely submissive marriage, in deep isolation from friends and family, he controlled and manipulated me till I felt I was being suffocated. Being with a narc for so many years nearly destroyed everything I was as a person. It was a constant stripping of my values, my boundaries, my thoughts, my emotions, and I felt completely alone and consumed. In my constant pursuit to change myself to make my narc happy (which is impossible)–I lost sight of who I was. The day decided to leave with my two children, was the turning point I started to get my life back.”

He Charmed My Family and Friends
Early in the relationship he presented his best self to my friends and family. He kept up the charade long enough everyone fell for the fake persona he’d created. It was intentional and part of the entrapment he planned for me. When I tried to tell people what he was doing to me, they thought I was crazy and wouldn’t believe me.

He “Smear Campaigned” Me Even When We Were Married
My ex narc told my friends and family I was emotional, had anger issues, was the whore, and mentally insane. He was actually projecting on to me what HE WAS DOING TO ME. This was an intentional tactic to erode my credibility, so when I did try to speak out about the abuse, nobody would believe me. I was isolated and stuck.

Leaving Was Hard
I left without a job, but I had cashed several 401K’s to support myself and my two children. He refused to leave our suburban home and forced us out. I had no job, our son was taking expensive medications and therapies for his Autism, and he refused to help support our kids during our separation. . .but I stayed strong. His plan was to financially destroy me so I would beg to come back. He wanted to squeeze me financially so I would crawl on my hands and knees asking him to forgive me (narcs are never in the wrong or responsible for failure). He wanted the balance of power restored after I left. It didn’t work.

He “Hoovered” Me
Six months into our separation (after months of harassing texts, emails and stalking my apartment) and the day our daughter was having surgery–he asked me to come back. Not with flowers begging for forgiveness, but through a cell phone call that was insincere and disingenuous at best. He hoped to catch me at a time my guard was down or I was at a weak point. He was raging mad when I left, you see, he had not quite selected my replacement and he didn’t get to lap up the fuel in abusing and discarding me before I walked out. I beat him to the punchline and left him hanging without a primary source of narcissistic fuel! When I left, I went “No Contact” and I was unrelenting with it. Asking me back was about him winning back his position of power again, but his former charm had lost it’s shine. No longer captive and exercising my free will, I told him to take a hike!

I am Free
I left that relationship 7 years ago with two small children. Now in my 40s, I’m able to share my life with others and am in a healthy relationship with a kind man I deeply care about. My narc is squarely in my past (where he belongs), but we share custody of our children. If you have children with a narc, there is rarely a full escape, but using NO CONTACT strategies is incredibly helpful in coparenting. I often write about our interactions with the narc.

**NOTE** I am not a licensed therapist, nor do I claim to be one. Advice or information shared here is meant to educate and inform. If you choose to take action to change your circumstances, that is purely your decision. I can only share with you my experiences in hopes it will give you courage and help you feel supported in your journey. By providing you a forum here, I also hope you will find other men and women going through your same challenges. You are not alone and this community is here to build you up.