MY STORY WITH A NARCISSIST
I’ve really been thinking about this topic for some time. Narcs ease you into the perverse where sex becomes vile.”
A Narc Waiting to Pounce
I met my narc a few months before when I was 18. He was friend of one of my guy friends. We all talked about getting a place together and me moving out of the crazy home I was in. The narc gave me a key to his place, “If things get really bad, here’s a key. Just come stay here. Nobody will find you here.”. Things DID get bad at home.
Mom’s boyfriend beat me up in one of his rages. He threw me up over the kitchen counter, drug me by my hair into the living room, raised me me up by my arms and pushed me against the wall so he could raise me to eye level. I felt something warm and wet dripping from my right arm. In his fury, he pushed me up against a window air conditioner and cut my right arm. I knew what would come next if I didn’t get strong and brave. I’d seen him beat the tar out of my mom then close the bedroom door. I got brave! I told him to put me down or I was calling the cops. He wouldn’t touch me, because if he did, my dad would have him thrown in jail in a heartbeat. He dropped me. I moved out the next day.
My narc LOVED feeling like my superhero and rescuer (we were just friends at this point). He ate up all that positive fuel I gave him by thanking him for the key to his place. He smiled the most delicious smile when he heard me retell the argument and how I got away to his apartment. He lapped up every word. I slept on his couch for week. My other friend was preparing to move out of his place and we were all looking at apartments together. Just before signing a lease, my other friend dropped out and decided he couldn’t afford to move out. Shrugging, I decided to follow thru with the plan of moving in with the narc (I often wonder if he talked our other friend out of moving in so he could have me alone and to himself).
We got one of the nastiest apartments I had ever lived in. Roach infested and a real dump! We had separate rooms, but he was love bombing me like crazy since day 1. He used being my room mate to gather intel on me. Learn about my likes/dislikes, hobbies, friends, what I loved to do. It wasn’t long before he was like my carbon copy: eating the same foods I enjoy, listening to the same music, watching the same TV shows, etc. He was a master at gathering fuel from everyone, and he wasn’t even that good looking.
When I first met my narc, he was a total geek! Long, greasy hair with coke bottle glasses, and clothes from the 1980s. He was a super dork. He asked me to give him a makeover and help him update his look and I kindly took him shopping because I couldn’t bare to be seen with a man/friend who looked like a hired hit man. He was also 25 when we met and in grad school.
The Relentless Narc
Months rolled on and he tried to seduce me, followed me to outings with my friends, until he had every single person convinced he was just the “nicest” guy. He was a wolf disguised in sheeps clothing. That summer, he invited a woman he met when he studied abroad the year before and took great pleasure in telling me how they met on a train and had sex in nearly every stop along the way. She arrived and he did everything possible to triangulate us. At first, I paid them no attention. I was busy with my job and own friends. They left for a week-long tour of the US and I waved them goodbye, finally happy to have the place to myself.
After he got back from his trip, he realized his game failed and ramped up the love bombing to a new level. Soon, he would be “just passing” my college as I got out of class or he was always hungry for the thing I wanted to eat.
In a narc’s world, a virgin is the ULTIMATE prize. We are on the top of the list like winning the lottery, because we are rare, pure and innocent in their eyes. I escaped years of harassment, only to end up with a man who was even more devious than the lot of them together.
We soon started dating after he attended a family reunion with me and family convinced me I should give him a chance (of course he charmed my family). He wasted no time triangulating me his ex love affair from overseas. He left her letters open on the table, her picture up on his walls, and continued to take her calls when we were dating. I should have known what he was up to then, but I had no experience dealing with someone like him before. Instead of telling him to piss off, I fell into the traps he set for me. Before I knew what happened, I agreed to marry him.
I paid for my own wedding ring and the bastard didn’t even get down on one knee and refused when I asked him to do so. I let him get away with that sorry proposal and lapped it up as funny and unique. In a few months we were married. The night before the wedding, I was the one up doing wedding flowers and final preparations for our big day. Guess who went to bed?
Marriage to my ex narc was the ticket to have free reign over my mind, body and soul. That little gold band on my hand meant he had complete and total permission to do with me whatever he liked.
He was Verbally and Physically Abusive First
He didn’t start out sexually abusing me, he worked his way there. As a newlywed, it started with verbal attacks on my weight, my appearance, and who I was as a person. I was 19 then, a size 6, and under 110 pounds. People told me I looked like Julia Roberts because I had big curly, long hair like hers in Pretty Woman.
When he realized I would put up with his verbal abuse, he started getting handsy. Soft touch transitioned to rough touch. Soft sex transitioned to rough sex. Early in our relationship, sex felt different. He touched me, caressed me, touched me softly. He regressed to a physical language that became more dark, withdrawn, rough, and distant.
Our Intimacy Changed
In the 1990s online porn was a new thing. He and a guy friend lapped up every little video and watched it over and over again thru painfully SLOW AOL dialup connections. As the web got faster, so did the porn. They fed each other junk for nearly 10 years, by then, I didn’t even recognize the man who was in my bed anymore.
I felt intimacy was almost a form of punishment. He wasn’t happy until I felt either completely used or like his compliant sex bot. There was no communicating, little kindness or love in his touch–only a sexual act. I didn’t feel more connected to my spouse after sex, I felt physical pain. It wasn’t long before he started asking me to have sex with another man so he could “watch”, asked if I would have sex with another woman so he could see if I liked it, or if I would have a three-some. I said no to every request, until he asked to go to the sex store. That seemed tame compared to what he had been asking and other women I knew were already using toys with their husbands. Throwing caution to the wind, I decided to comply. He picked things off shelves he said that were for me, but were really for him and I survived it unscathed. It was a turning point to the end.
He Enjoyed Pain: Giving & Receiving
My ex narc liked pain so much, at one point, I took painkillers (left over from a surgery I had) to have sex with him. I dressed up in costumes until I realized he was trying to completely erode me in the bedroom. It got to the point he couldn’t climax unless hew as receiving high levels of pain. I refused to do things to further his pain that were risky, questionable and dangerous.
Sex Was About Control and Total Compliance
As a wife of a narc, he believed he was entitled to take whatever, however, whenever he wanted. I was just expected to participate and like everything. If I protested, he’d give me the cold shoulder, disappear or retreat to do whatever he was doing with his harem.
When he would then come back from his absence, he would use it as a way to push my boundaries. “If you want me, this time you have to do x for me.”. In hindsight, I complied to much more than I ever should. I stopped when I realized his sexual fetishes had evolved completely outside my comfort zone and his need for pain was impossible to provide. The day I reached the end was the day I locked myself in the bathroom, vomited, and showered for an hour–so grossed out and disgusted by what he wanted me to do that day.
He Was Always Pushing Boundaries
My ex narc was never satisfied with “normal” sexual experiences. His tastes had moved way beyond regular sex decades prior. He was constantly exploring how to push the edge. What new thing he could do to elevate his orgasm, or increase his pain threshold. I found him masturbating in my master closet in the dark. I turned the light to put away clothes and didn’t see him at first. He gave me quite a scare. When I looked down he had one of the heels of my favorite pair of shoes shoved up his bum. He wanted to be penetrated more than he penetrated me and after a long heart-to-heart with another girlfriend, I realized my ex was not quite right in the bedroom. You have to remember, he was the ONLY sexual partner I had ever known. I had no context to know if I was just the “prude” he kept telling me I was, or he was the one that was off.
He Was Cruel
The last day for me was when he came home during the kids’ nap time to get in a “nooner”. I was just expected to drop everything and rush up to the bedroom like it was the ONLY thing I wanted to do in the entire world at that particular moment, and just turn on desire like the greatest porn star. He constantly expected me to set aside his snide, cruel comments and pretend like I wanted and desired him, when all I wanted was to be left alone.
After he got what he wanted, he turned to me that day and said, “I can always count on you for a reset.” Looking confused, I asked what he meant. “Oh, I thought you would have figured this out by now. Sex with you is nothing more than a hard reset to shut off all the noise in my brain. I needed to concentrate and you were just what I needed to clear out the noise.” Wait, what?! My spouse just told me in the most cold, most matter-of-fact way that my body and our physical relationship was nothing more than a reset button for him! This wife was over and done. Within weeks I was making plans to divorce and leave him for good.
I Had to Relearn Intimacy Is About Feeling Loved
For half of my adult life, the broken, messed up physical life I had with my ex narc was all I had ever known about sex. It was such an emotional and physical drain. It wasn’t that pleasurable and always meant a demeaning and tearing down of myself. It was emotionless and lacked a personal connection or intimacy. My first (and second) sexual experience after my divorce, I literally cried. It didn’t hurt and it was kind, gentle and tender. My ex had never been like that with me, ever! I realized in that moment, my ex was so broken and there was nothing wrong with me. I learned that sex could be and should be enjoyable and even fun. Now in a committed relationship with a great person, intimacy is phenomenal and something we both absolutely look forward to-but it took some time for me to find peace with intimacy.
The Red Flags
There are varying degrees of narcissism and there is one version that is particularly nasty in the bedroom. These narcs have NO BOUNDARIES and will coerce, force, and even rape their partners or spouses. They have even been known to molest minors and are capable of incest. That sounds crazy, I know-but as someone recovering from or in a relationship with a narc you must know what you are dealing with. Remember, narcs are entitled to do, go, and take whatever they like. They follow no rules and could care less about traditional societal norms. The more taboo, the more fuel they lap up.
Intimacy should be another expression of love and emotion in a healthy relationship. For a narc, intimacy is a way to exert control and inflict pain. Most partners are most vulnerable naked and in the moment, and a narc knows this. He/she will seize the opportunity to test what you like in the moment, and push the boundary.
I couldn’t watch the “50 Shades of Gray” movies. These films glorify sexual narcissistic traits and habits as sexy and appealing, when forced sex without consent, were a little too close to home for me. Changing things up in the bedroom can be exciting, but dedicating a room to sadistic sexual behaviors, pushing boundaries, and forcing sex on an unwilling partner: is a giant red flag and something that shouldn’t be celebrated as a sexual awakening-but for what it is: ASSAULT.
– Receiving Physical Harm (cuts, scratches, burns, bites, shock, whippings, beatings)
– Injury to Genitals
– Penetration Without Permission (while sleeping, etc.)
– Threat to Withdraw Resources (no access to money, free time, food, etc.)
– Threat to Sleep Around If You Refuse (girlfriend, boyfriend, porn, etc.)
– Being Helpless to Defend Yourself (tied up, bound, locked in a room, etc.)
– Excessive Use of Porn (on all devices, always watching in free time, etc.)
– Need for Extraordinary Pain to Climax
– Giving You Pain Without Consent
– Emotional Disconnect with Sex
– Special Sex “Toys” Used to Inflict Pain
– Excessive Masturbation
– Verbal Devaluation During Intimacy (size, weight, shape, etc.)
– Rejection During or After Intimacy (leaves, excuse to go, refusal to cuddle, etc.)
– Role Play (dressing up, hiding your real identity, playing a whore, etc.)