Sex

SEX AND THE NARC

YOU WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH
Sex and the narcissist is a complex topic. If you’re new here, you have a lot of catching up to do. Sex is the narcissist’s ultimate weapon of power. In the act of physical lovemaking, we are our most vulnerable and pliable. . . and the narcissist knows this.”

THEY GIVE POSITIVE/NEGATIVE PRAISE
A narcissist takes the most supply during sex because he/she feels in the most control and in their element in the bedroom. By giving you exquisite pleasure, you are giving them great feedback and praise in return. By humiliating you, telling you they hate your body, or you repulse them–they are STILL taking supply from you because they are loving tearing you down and making you feel horrible.

THEIR NEED FOR SEX IS INSATIABLE
Because the narcissist is most in their element during sex, he/she constantly needs sex to meet their fuel supply needs. In an attempt to save my marriage, I was having sex with my then husband 2 times/day and it STILL wasn’t enough to meet his demands and he was using porn and having affairs to fill his tank. My husband would literally leave my bed after having sex with me to then masturbate to porn! I hate to say this, but you will NEVER be able to satisfy a narc’s non-stop need for sex.

IT’S NOT YOU. IT’S THEM.
You need to also understand no matter how many times they tell you you’re unable to satisfy their needs in the bedroom (or they tell you their cheating on you is necessary because you can’t please them sexually), this is not your hangup-it’s theirs. The narc will blame you and make you feel like you are to blame for their inability to feel content. The truth is, they are addicts and can never get enough sexual stimuli (physical and visual). Many narcs are closet sex addicts with deep and perverse addictions to porn with underground sexual outlets.

THERE IS ALWAYS A HAREM
Narcs are not faithful companions because their need for supply is too great. They must constantly be receiving positive or negative feedback and the narc is on his/her high when they are in the initial lovebombing stage having sex with a new partner. It’s like their cocaine! You are not their only sexual partner, and you never will be. That phone pinging in the middle of the night, isn’t your mother-in-law calling. It’s is one of many lovers reaching out for a video chat, his porn account ringing him to check the latest pic, or his lover wanting to hookup for the night. Some narcissists even carry secret multiple cell phones, have secret bank accounts, profiles on dating sites and email accounts to carry on with their harem at their will behind your back.

THE NEED FOR THREESOMES, ETC.
It may shock you the first time the words are uttered by your narcissist, but the subject of a threesome will come up at some point in your relationship. My ex narc asked numerous times for us to have multiple partners and I refused. Victims I’ve spoken to who have, regret it because the narc’s reasons are very dark:

1) The narc enjoys watching you squirm while he pleasures another partner and is taking fuel from both of you during the experience. The narc is taking fuel as he gloriously pleasures a stranger while taking fuel from you, as he/she humiliates you in front of the “other person”.

2) The narc is pushing your boundaries into new territory to further manipulate, control, and abuse you.

3) If this kind of sexual activity is outside your norm, the narc is gaining blackmail material to use against and shame you with later. Don’t be surprised if the narc requests to photo or video your session!

4) If the narc picked the “other person”, many victims have said they learned later their narc was already having a sexual relationship with that person. Some even said the “other person” was their regular stand-in for threesomes and orgies.

YOU HAVE A CHOICE
If you are single and in a committed dating relationship, leaving a serial narcissistic cheater is easier than if you are married to the narc. But in both cases, you have a choice and need to consider the risks.

Are you content knowing your partner/lover is not in an exclusive relationship with you?

Are you ok with your partner having sexual relationships with high-risk partners that pose a potential health risk to you (narcs typically are not believers in “safe sex” because it inhibits their pleasure experience)?

Are you ok with your partner having an alternate sex life behind your back?

Are you ok with your partner having same-sex sexual relationships (I’ve written about narcs being non-binary and how having intimate sexual relationships with both sexes is quite common)?

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